I don’t talk about my family on my blog too often. It’s always something I’ve subconsciously kept separate from my internet life. Of course, I have my moments where I can’t help but use online means as a way to relieve myself of the stresses of home but aside from that, I’m really “hush hush” about my family and any drama attached to that aspect of my life.

My father is getting hip surgery next month. I’m a little nervous about it. My family has always been really reliant on my dad and he’s always upheld the male role in the family (considering this is a household entirely made up of women).

For five consecutive weeks following his surgery he has to attend a rehabilitation center and re-learn how to walk. I’ve always been really apprehensive about any type of surgical procedure. There are so many complications attached to being under the knife while essentially being unconscious. Of course, I pray that nothing goes wrong with my dad’s procedure but I still can’t help but think about the what ifs. For as long as I can remember my father has bent over backwards and provided for my family.

It’s a big deal – this surgery. It makes you think, what would you do without the one person that provides for you? What happens when you lose that sense of security?

I am no stranger to meeting guys online. For the majority of my late teens, I met guys that were seemingly my type through online means (more specifically, Myspace). I liked the convenience of it. You log on and meet your potential soul mate (or arm candy).

It was only until recently that I realized how detrimental it was to my dating sanity. The guys I met online rarely worked out. Why? Well, they were nothing like the person they created online. We lasted for maybe a month before I was back on the computer accepting friend requests from good looking guys and setting up places to meet.

It was unhealthy. Not only is it unhealthy but when you know the deepest things about a person before ever having a face to face encounter you create a situation that is bland. What else is there left to know if you already know everything?

I don’t want to meet guys online anymore. I am trying to stick to guys in real life and do things the “traditional way”.

Thus far, I like it. Much more of a rush.

The hotel party at the Beacon was great. Boy didn’t show up but to be quite frank, I’m kind of glad he didn’t. You can’t bring sand to the beach, right? I ended up meeting this guy – let’s call him doctor – at the party. He was Jamaican and Indian, great body and impeccable style.

We hit it off right away and ended up hooking up later that night at his place in Larchmont.  He didn’t exactly get me off but it was certainly enough to make me shut up about my sexual frustration.

I texted him this past Sunday and haven’t heard from him since but it’s no big deal. I usually try to avoid one-night ordeals but this was my first and probably the most memorable (he looked great with his shirt, off).

Boy has been contacting me non-stop. He’s certainly made it clear that he’s attached and he’s making things way too easy. I need a little chase otherwise I get bored and right now, I’m completely disinterested in boy because he’s serving it all on a silver platter.

I might have to call things off with boy. I can’t deal with the fact he’s so clingy. It’s unattractive.

I’ve been talking to my ex and we’re supposed to hang tomorrow night. We’ll see how that goes.

Friendship.

I value my friendships. At times, I naively place my friends on a pedestal but it’s only because I’d like to believe that my friends keep my best interest at heart and value my friendship the way I value theirs.

Truth is, people are fucked up even those you call friends are capable of “stabbing you in the back”. I used to think that people might mature with age but there is no transition from adolescence to adulthood when it comes to people’s selfish and overall shitty choices.

Now I take everything I’m assured of by friends with a grain of salt.

My older sister used to say “you are your own best friend” but I couldn’t understand how she could live a life with a “all for one” attitude. I was too nice and felt my friends were like my sisters but the reality they’re far from blood relatives.

Now that as I get older and I’m learning just how conniving people can be, I am finding so much truth in what my older sister told me in high school. Friendship is equally if not more fickle than relationship.

You have to look out for yourself otherwise you’ll wind up walked all over time and time again.

My friend is throwing a hotel party at the Beacon in the Upper West Side. I’m going and boy will be there. Let’s hope it goes over well.

New Years Eve.

Last night I went to a local bar with my best friend and her boyfriend.  It’s probably the only couple I can go out with and not feel like the third wheel. I was anticipating a great night since it was New Years Eve but was quickly corrected when the DJ decided to make a blast from the past playing a ton of tracks from the late eighties and early nineties.

I ended up leaning over the bar with my Malibu and pineapple juice in hand talking to my friend about how the DJ should reconsider his profession.  Around 2am, my best friend gets a text message from her mom asking her to pick up her one year old because his cold was making it impossible for him to sleep. We had to leave early.

On the way out the bar a good looking white guy in a black pea coat  that I spotted from the corner of my eye waiting in line to get into the bar left the line reached for my arm asking me where I was headed.

I said, “I’m leaving. I’m going home.”

He seemed interested (I mean, why would he bother getting off the line) so I said, “Look, I have to leave. My friends’ kid is sick. Do you have a phone? Why don’t you take my number?”

“No, take mine” he responded.

He gave me his number and I dialed it into my phone. I showed him the number asking if it was correct and walked away.

I haven’t called or texted or made any indication of interest as of yet. I’m basically doing the age old, wait a few days and then call. We’ll see what happens. This could be nothing or maybe it could be my next fling.

I’m hoping for the latter. I’m completely sexually frustrating and porn only satisfies for so long.

At least I started the new year properly - I got someone’s number.

It was the summer before I started school in Manhattan. I dated a guy that lived uptown, smoked pot religiously and worked at Dunkin Donuts. He had pale skin and dark hair. He was husky but I didn’t mind because he had handsome features. Our interests didn’t line up and our conversations were based on topics that lacked substance but we got along fine.  He introduced me to weed and the pleasures of oral sex. He had this unusual infatuation with going down on me. I refused to return the favor. He didn’t seem to mind. In short, our relationship was based on short chit chatter and well, his head in between my legs. He often asked to have sex but I refused. I wasn’t ready. I was still emotionally distraught from having broken up with my first boyfriend. We only lasted a month but it was a euphoric month.

A few months after dating the guy with the oral fixation, I dated the aspiring rap artist. He also lived uptown. It was some time in October of my sophomore year of college when we hooked up. He was average in height with a tan complexion. He was talented and our tastes in music were conducive. Like any good woman with potential to be a girlfriend I listened to his music and gave only positive feedback. Naturally, I wanted to be on his good side if I wanted to squeeze some commitment out of the man. We were close and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. He had a great sense of humor and our choices of lifestyles were relative. We slept together. It was the second time I’d ever had sex. The first being my first love. I wanted a relationship and he didn’t. We remained platonic. Looking back, I just like having sex with the guy even though he wasn’t too creative in bed. We usually stuck to missionary and doggy.

I then developed an interest for a guy in a frat. He was a mutual friend of the aspiring rap artist. I knew I was breaking rules but at the time, I was carefree and well, nineteen. I usually don’t date that type but he was tall and Puerto Rican and well, intellectual. He was a year younger than myself but I decided it wasn’t that big of a deal. At the time, he was just preparing to pledge for the fraternity. At that point, my approach to dating guys had slightly changed. I wasn’t too into talking on the phone because I didn’t want to seem overbearing. We lasted a few months but never got into a relationship. I only slept with the Puerto Rican once. He wasn’t very good or experienced. I was disappointed and quickly lost interest.

In the fall of my junior year of college, I began talking to a skateboarder from Jersey City. He wasn’t tall and suffered from severe Napoleon complex. He was great looking and Russian. He was a great kisser. In fact, of all the men I’ve dated he was probably the best kisser. He didn’t do much aside from skateboard and well, listen to music. We didn’t sleep together, we just messed around. We had a lot in common. We got along well but out of fear and lack of trust for all men I constantly questioned his intentions because of this he got fed up and left.

I took a break from dating for 12 months which equates to a year. I wanted to figure things out. Find out exactly what I wanted from the opposite sex.

My good friend then decided that the lapses was doing nothing good for my sexual sanity. I was waiting for a relationship – someone that truly wanted to be with me for more than sexual endeavors – but I was having no luck. She introduced me to a Floridian native that had been living in Manhattan for a few months. He was older – 29 years old – the first older guy I’d ever dealt with. He seemed to have genuine interest in getting to know me and a relationship with him seemed a lot more promising than any of the guys I previously dated. He had a great job and well, he seemed to be going places. He wanted to take me out on dinners and I knew I wanted a mature relationship. We got involved and I slept with him. A month later I found out that he was not commited ot me but in a relationship and cheating on her with not one but two women – one of those women including myself.

Out of fear I got tested. To my relief, I was completely clean.

In the midst of dealing with having been involved in infidelity, I met a Persian. He was 26 years old. Of course, I use the word met for lack of a better word. The Persian had approached me via email. He lived in Southern California and we developed an “online relationship” of sorts. I’m not sure if it seemed promising or I vulnerably expected more than I should but he abruptly left me for someone else.

Now, well now, I’m single as I’ll ever be. I haven’t been with anyone for five months. I’m not sure what I’m looking for at this point. At times, I don’t think I want a relationship or anything serious but other times, I crave companionship and just having someone there. I think that’s my problem. I could care less who he is as long as someone cares. With the new year, I’m hoping to get involved in a healthy relationship and I suppose that’s the reason I’m holding out.

Maybe I’m destined to a life of solitude. Who knows?

A book a day.

I am picky when it comes to the books I choose to read. I need something that captures and maintains my interest otherwise I will put it down after reading a few pages and find something else to dabble in.

I recently finished reading Prozac Nation, a memoir by Elizabeth Wurtzel. The title drew me in. Before I started reading it, I decided to go online and check out some reviews considering the book had been on the New York Times best-seller list I anticipated positive reviews. I was right. People raved about the power that the book held. It touched on sensitive subjects like depression and drug dependency.

I started reading and found myself relating to the narrative. I finished it in the midst of the semester in about 3 weeks. I was pleasantly pleased with it. A lot of people say that it was a fabricated memoir but even so, I think Wurtzel really captures the essence of what it’s like for the heavily depressed.

My next read is Shoplifting From American Apparel by Tao Lin. I’m hoping it lives up to Prozac Nation. It seems like a book that is up my alley since it is based o the lifestyle of a native New Yorker. We’ll see.

Blogging.

I’ve been blogging for years (four to be exact). I could easily invest in something yuppie like a therapist but I chose to blog. Believe it or not blogging has served as a form of therapy. Maybe it’s the fact I get to release some pent up emotion publically but there is something really calming about having an audience that relates to you on a level deeper than common tastes in music and movies.

I’ve never really felt like anyone has “understood” some of the things I struggle with in my life but when you blog, there are people that read your work and can identify with what you’re saying. It’s comforting to know you’re not alone.

I started blogging on my Myspace. It was nothing big just a few posts about what was going on with my life and voicing opinions. I had more fun blogging on Myspace than actually sending comments and messages. After chit chatting with a few people that read the posts I made, I decided to make an official blog and that’s where Blogspot came in. I had no idea what I was doing at the time. I would sit up late at night on my Dell desktop and write about anything that came to mind. I noticed a bit of success on that account. People were commenting on my posts and my writing. I must admit, it was a bit of an ego boost to hear that someone other than my Mom and Dad approved of my work. I always thought of myself as this mediocre writer.

I was introduced to Tumblr by a friend in early 2008. He said that the blogging was a lot easier and the look was sleek. I checked it out and instantly fell in love. I was intrigued with the ability to read blogs I liked on a “dashboard” and reblog posts. It was a lot more “innovative” as compared to the other blogging platforms I had grown familiar with.

I made an account and the rest is history.

Blogging has allowed me to become an honest writer and for that, I am forever grateful. I think blogging is the reason that I have faith in my ability as a writer. It’s truly an amazing way to connect and learn a lot about yourself.

Online persona vs. real life persona

It’s only natural that people have started to rely on the internet to develop relationships –either romantic or platonic. The internet does something that every person can appreciate which is give instant access to a wide range of people and information. Who doesn’t want such a convenience? In a sense, you have the world right at your fingertips.

It’s hard to argue the theory that the internet is necessity because it has definitely become one for many people. If you’re not using it, you’re wanting to use it.

You might have even become comfortable with someone asking for your email or screen name before they do your phone number. It’s because in a sense, we have become reliant on the world wide web.

A good amount of the universe’s population relies on the internet and this number will only continue to grow with time and technological development.

It was only a matter of time after the internet was developed that people would begin to use it for reasons other than research and use it to communicate with people. Nothing wrong with conversing with others, right?

This then led to the creation of social networks and communities like, Myspace and Facebook (even Tumblr can be considered a social community) – networks that we have all become strangely familiar with over the past few years and use to keep in contact with old friends as well as make new friends.

Although the internet gives us this extreme level of convenience, has it rid us of our ability to find love and even friendship in real life? Are we that afraid of what people are capable of that we turn to the online environment to find that feeling that we just aren’t getting in the real world? I can’t count the amount of times on my hand I’ve come across people that seemed to be so much like myself but in real life it was a different story. Does this mean these people were fake or even phoney? Maybe not, but sometimes you might accidentally come off one way on the internet when in person you are a toned down version of the person you portray online.

When embarking on online relations, you will find yourself  feeling the same feelings you get from a “real life” encounter but only much quicker. Of course this appeals to people, fast and easy is what everyone likes. But sometimes, things move too fast and we get caught creating ideas based on words. Though words are powerful, words are just words and need action to back them up.

Although finding a connection with anyone online is a great feeling, you must keep in mind you can’t know someone simply through talking in a chat (it’s called chat for a reason). By soley communicating with someone through instant message and email, you will create this fantasy which might be the “fairytale” version of what you will get when you meet this person face to face.

“He was nothing like his myspace or his blog”. I can’t even count the amount of times that I’ve heard a friend tell me this after finally meeting their online sweetheart or pal. Surprised at what is before you? Many people have been in this position as well. Physicality is an important part of every relationship and a person in the physical is a lot different than their personality on the internet. No, I don’t even speak of appearance, I speak of social behavior. It’s easy to talk to anyone online but when it comes to sitting down and having these intelligent, in depth conversations, will it be the same when you sit with this person in a cafe versus sitting in your bed room talking to them online? You don’t know what irritates this person, you don’t know what excites this person, you don’t know what smells they dislike. Does this serve as a problem? Of course it does because when you don’t know, you no longer relate.

Dating or finding friendship online isn’t wrong and I’m not writing this to say anyone is wrong for meeting people online because I have done it and will continue to do it (I’ve met some wonderful people online that I still hold a good friendship with and I also have become close to people online that I have not met and talk to regularly but I have also encountered some serious assholes and fuckery) but I am saying, that you take a huge chance when investing your feelings in someone you ultimately don’t know, you just “know of” the person they’ve created.  Yes online relationships have worked and there have been many stories in the media of people successfully meeting the love of their life online but this is a one in a million chance.

I simply write this to advise people to keep the worst in mind when pursuing people online. You have the right to protect your feelings and must remember, that the person that has created this idea in your head, might not live up to these expectations and more than likely will disappoint you.

Even though you can’t find the love or comfort you’re searching for exactly when you want to, you might be wasting time typing away online when your soulmate or best friend is roaming the streets hoping to bump into you.

A rule to live by: it’s the internet, not serious business.

Keep it fun and flirty and if you so happen to meet the next best addition to your life, great but if the person doesn’t live up to your standards, no big deal - there are other “irl” fish in the sea.

writing internet