Let It Go.

Personally, I find it inappropriate to tell a person when and how to let go. It is reflexive for a person to say, “just let it go” when they feel a friend has carried the weight of a lost relationship far too long. Though this is sound advice and usually said with good intention however, it’s hypocritical because no one really knows what moving on or letting go entails – it could be days, months, years and in a worse case scenario, not at all.

Letting go isn’t restricted to relationships – it could be a death in the family or a long-term friendship that goes sour. Letting go is nothing more than a process that every human deals with differently. Some more quickly than others.

Completely moving on is just as unexpected as finding love. In some cases, a person never truly let’s go, they simply force themselves to move forward but never fully let go of the memories tied to the relationship, friendship or person. Though a relationship, friendship and individual’s life are not guaranteed to be around “forever”, memories of good times shared with a person are everlasting and this makes letting go seem like an impossible feat and for some people letting go never really happens. Letting go requires deleting all emotions – the good, the bad and in between – attached to a person whether that person be an old friend or an ex-boyfriend or the late.

People mourn because it’s healthy and I believe everyone is entitled to mourn their losses. Cry, write or work out – whatever you choose to do, do it and feel no type of regret about it because it’s your form of moving on or at least getting back to your mental equilibrium. Rushing the process will only make things harder and leave you ping-ponging between your true feelings and what others around you think you should be feeling. It’s no one’s place to tell you when letting go is appropriate, you dictate that and should maintain that right no matter what anyone says. Truth is that person does not know the specifics of your relationship or friendship with the person.

In my own personal experience, it depends on the situation and how attached I was to the person. I’ve let go of situations in as little as two weeks but I’ve also had situations that pained me to such an extent that I spent months and months trying to “get over it” and return to “living” as though that person was never a huge part of my life even though they were. The longer I held on to the past usually reflected how strongly I felt for the person and how much emphasis I placed on their being in my life – having them gone felt like my world came crashing down on my head.

It’s hard to erase a person, sometimes you hold a person to such a high regard that losing them feels as though the world is ending even though you know it is not.

Normally I refrain from telling a friend that has broken up with their boyfriend or been broken up with to move on because it’s not my place and it never will be my place, I simply say, “time heals everything”. Everyone is familiar with this phrase and though it doesn’t seem like it sends much of a message it has more truth to it than any lengthy advice your “best friend” or “mother” might give you.

The next time you do decide to tell someone to “let it go” remember that you wouldn’t want someone to tell you this if you were in the same situation. As cliché as this sounds, be sympathetic and place yourself in the other person’s shoes – it will enlighten you and possibly strengthen your friendship because you are being understanding instead of judgmental of your friend’s way of dealing and getting over their loss.

Think of the advice you’d like to receive if you were in the same predicament – you’d expect compassion and respect so give it. It is not your God given task to tell someone to move on. Just let the person do it on their own terms.

writing moving on relationship

10 Ways To Avoid Trouble In Paradise

1. It’s Only The Internet
myspace and facebook can be the source of every couples fustration. trust me i know. try not to let the “groupies” get to you. remember he chose to be with you and not the girl on the other side of the computer screen. if it really bothers you casually bring it up and don’t jump to conclusions.

2. Don’t Snoop
if you assume the worst, the worst is what you’ll find. if you think homeboy is cheating let the facts come to you. they don’t say patience is a virtue for nothing. do not snoop. i repeat do not snoop. a simple email from a co-worker or friend might lead to “he cheated” when it could really just be a casual conversation.

3. Keep The Past In The Past.
i know this one is difficult for the ladies that have been through alot when it comes to the opposite sex but most people don’t go out their way for just anyone especially guys. if he is a gentlemen and treats you with respect then he most likely cares for you the way he says he does. i honestly don’t think 112 made the song Cupid for their health. try not to bring up the past and compare. let time tell and just live for the moment.

4. Remain Calm At All Costs.
as hard as it is to keep your calm when you are angry at your significant other, never abandon your place as a lady. stay calm. evaluate the situation. use logic. screaming and nagging only makes the guy block you out. how can he listen to someone that is assuming the worst (i mean anyone would hate that).

5. Men Are From Mars & Women Are From Venus
men and women are completely different. a women is more emotional and that is a fact. men on the other hand are emotional but usually keep it to themselves and don’t show it as much, of course they don’t want to abandon their masculinity (NO HOMO? lol). Keep that in mind. What you might find to be the biggest deal in the world might be insignificant to your guy. Don’t turn litle mistakes into big deals. People make mistakes. Don’t cry.

6. Let Him Do His Thang
you have to let your guy live life. he can’t be with you 24/7. It gets boring. If he wants to go out with his friends let him. you let him in your life so you should have enough trust in him to let him go out. do the same ladies and you will feel less stressed. he had a life before you so let him do what he usually does (except if its unhealthy or unsafe, ha). remember he comes home to you.

7. Friendship to Foe Is A No, No
if you were friends with your boyfriend before he wifed you try not to think about his old ways. he obviously felt the need to let you know in the first place. the past is the past like i said, so keep it there. he likes you!

8. Sex On The Brain?
yes guys think about sex alot and 90% of the time they have it on the brain but they do have the other 10% working and functioning. sex is not everything to them. they feel too and have emotions and want a female with depth and personality. stop thinking he is with you for the pussy. a real guy will tell you straight up if thats what he wants and if he stays around after the deed then that says thousands. it means even more if he’s willing to wait. do not take that for granted especially it today’s society.

9. Never Be Rude To His Dudes.
if you feel angry with your significant other in a social event that involves his circle of friends do not take it out on them. do not blame his friends for his behavior. always be respectful of the people in his life. guys like it when you get along with their friends. do you really want to be known as the bitch girlfriend. yes guys talk, they will fear you and not want you around. you do not want that.

10. Be Confident, Not Petty.
don’t doubt yourself. even if your boyfriend is the hottest thing under the sun. he chose you dear. he wants your mind, body and soul. who cares what other girls think about you two. you have him, and thats all that matters. never put yourself down. it only lets the outsiders win. shine on and know your beautiful.

11. He Said She Said
do not listen to your friends and their opinions on your boyfriend. you chose him. you kiss him, sex him, whatever. if you let outside people influence your relationship you will lose that connection with him. guys hate when your friends have shit to say. yes, sometimes its pure shit. go with your heart. the relationship you have built is YOURS and not your friends’. keep stuff to yourself if you have to.
its not called your personal life for nothing.
(threw the 11th one in for fun)

Online persona vs. real life persona

It’s only natural that people have started to rely on the internet to develop relationships –either romantic or platonic. The internet does something that every person can appreciate which is give instant access to a wide range of people and information. Who doesn’t want such a convenience? In a sense, you have the world right at your fingertips.

It’s hard to argue the theory that the internet is necessity because it has definitely become one for many people. If you’re not using it, you’re wanting to use it.

You might have even become comfortable with someone asking for your email or screen name before they do your phone number. It’s because in a sense, we have become reliant on the world wide web.

A good amount of the universe’s population relies on the internet and this number will only continue to grow with time and technological development.

It was only a matter of time after the internet was developed that people would begin to use it for reasons other than research and use it to communicate with people. Nothing wrong with conversing with others, right?

This then led to the creation of social networks and communities like, Myspace and Facebook (even Tumblr can be considered a social community) – networks that we have all become strangely familiar with over the past few years and use to keep in contact with old friends as well as make new friends.

Although the internet gives us this extreme level of convenience, has it rid us of our ability to find love and even friendship in real life? Are we that afraid of what people are capable of that we turn to the online environment to find that feeling that we just aren’t getting in the real world? I can’t count the amount of times on my hand I’ve come across people that seemed to be so much like myself but in real life it was a different story. Does this mean these people were fake or even phoney? Maybe not, but sometimes you might accidentally come off one way on the internet when in person you are a toned down version of the person you portray online.

When embarking on online relations, you will find yourself  feeling the same feelings you get from a “real life” encounter but only much quicker. Of course this appeals to people, fast and easy is what everyone likes. But sometimes, things move too fast and we get caught creating ideas based on words. Though words are powerful, words are just words and need action to back them up.

Although finding a connection with anyone online is a great feeling, you must keep in mind you can’t know someone simply through talking in a chat (it’s called chat for a reason). By soley communicating with someone through instant message and email, you will create this fantasy which might be the “fairytale” version of what you will get when you meet this person face to face.

“He was nothing like his myspace or his blog”. I can’t even count the amount of times that I’ve heard a friend tell me this after finally meeting their online sweetheart or pal. Surprised at what is before you? Many people have been in this position as well. Physicality is an important part of every relationship and a person in the physical is a lot different than their personality on the internet. No, I don’t even speak of appearance, I speak of social behavior. It’s easy to talk to anyone online but when it comes to sitting down and having these intelligent, in depth conversations, will it be the same when you sit with this person in a cafe versus sitting in your bed room talking to them online? You don’t know what irritates this person, you don’t know what excites this person, you don’t know what smells they dislike. Does this serve as a problem? Of course it does because when you don’t know, you no longer relate.

Dating or finding friendship online isn’t wrong and I’m not writing this to say anyone is wrong for meeting people online because I have done it and will continue to do it (I’ve met some wonderful people online that I still hold a good friendship with and I also have become close to people online that I have not met and talk to regularly but I have also encountered some serious assholes and fuckery) but I am saying, that you take a huge chance when investing your feelings in someone you ultimately don’t know, you just “know of” the person they’ve created.  Yes online relationships have worked and there have been many stories in the media of people successfully meeting the love of their life online but this is a one in a million chance.

I simply write this to advise people to keep the worst in mind when pursuing people online. You have the right to protect your feelings and must remember, that the person that has created this idea in your head, might not live up to these expectations and more than likely will disappoint you.

Even though you can’t find the love or comfort you’re searching for exactly when you want to, you might be wasting time typing away online when your soulmate or best friend is roaming the streets hoping to bump into you.

A rule to live by: it’s the internet, not serious business.

Keep it fun and flirty and if you so happen to meet the next best addition to your life, great but if the person doesn’t live up to your standards, no big deal - there are other “irl” fish in the sea.

writing internet

Sex, sex, sex.

I haven’t had sex in over six months. I’m getting dangerously close to the day I will announce that my vagina hasn’t been in contact with a penis in a year.

It’s depressing and pathetic but that is self-diagnosed and solely based on my personal standards.

I am a sexual person. It may have everything to do with the fact I’m a Leo (but who believes in astrology anymore?) or the fact that I was a prude in high school, deathly afraid of the male anatomy – God’s way of getting back at me for not recognizing the “beauty” of fucking.

I’m alright with being single but I do crave male attention every now and then and I’m starting to feel that need kick in lately. A few months ago, I got out of a relationship and no, I didn’t get laid in the end. Our connection was circled around our ability to get along and carry conversations that didn’t end with “libido”. The relationship was real and more than a physical attraction but that didn’t stop me from feeling disappointed.

Why don’t I have a good sex life? Why am I on this stupid dry spell?

I’m doing well with my writing career but I have no sex, at all and it’s starting to get to me. Masturbating doesn’t suffice and I’ve never really been that into it.

I’m at the point where I wish I was still a virgin then this wouldn’t be such an issue because I’d have no background knowledge of how stimulating sex can be.

writing sex being single

Dealbreaker: He didn’t have the tunes to set the mood

My logical self should have known better than to date someone that I only had one commonality with, that commonality being: mirror image iTunes playlists. Yes, the infamous (and weak), “we like the same music so let’s date!” bit. I wouldn’t necessarily call this a gimmick or ploy; it’s more like a dating death trap because it never works but despite being fully aware of this I was willing to go with it in hopes of a relationship, miraculously sprouting from my music obsession.

This guy – we’ll call him Fred – knew of every little underground indie band that I raved about, Fred even had the same infatuation with the early 90s hip hop that I did. It felt like love at first external hard drive information exchange. First date and it seemed like our relationship was already heading in the right direction.

We talked on the phone every night after that and always based on the same topic – music. One night while on the phone, he decided to invite me over to his Jersey City home.  I agreed.  In the heat of the moment going over felt right because he was Russian which was enticing (not exactly a romance language but good enough for me), a good looking guy and thus far the conversation was good (even though it was becoming redundant). Going over to his place meant, a chance to get some action.  I was more than down for this plan – especially because I hadn’t gotten any “play” in months.

I went over and was welcomed with a drink offer – which I declined – and a hug. We went to his bedroom, our first order of business, find some mood music – naturally we needed music being that this is the reason we decided to start dating. We opted to start our “hang out” with The Beatles, I Want to Hold Your Hand which was on some playlist he said he’d set up for the date. I was okay with this because, well, The Beatles are classic and I definitely wanted to hold Fred’s hand (amongst other things).

We jammed for a bit and then this jam session turned into making out – as expected. Out of nowhere, I hear, Peaches, I Don’t Give a F*ck blaring from the laptop while we’re passionately making out. What a romantic playlist. I like the song, but seriously, how inappropriate. I attempted to ignore the trash but the lyrics, “I don’t give a f*ck about my reputation” played repetitively.  It was awkward to say the least and I only made it more awkward by stopping mid-kiss and cracking up hysterically which was received with a blank stare and shrug of the shoulder. We continued making out and pretended what happened, didn’t.

I never called him back after that day. I felt like the song was indirectly trying to tell me something, something along the lines of, his horrid playlists shouldn’t match his poor making out skills.

Mirror playlists do not equate to relationships, apparently.

writing dealbreaker portfolio

I’m a twenty something writer trying to figure things out – from my sex and love life (or lack of) to career goals that seem to be completely out of reach despite my status as a senior in college. I’m caught in between my living life in the suburbs and my social life in Manhattan and putting together a future for myself in the midst of a recession.

This website will be an account of that.

I’m Justine. I’m not particularly serious, I’m not particularly funny, I’m just trying to get by and praying I have fun in the process.

writing intro